Ph.D. in Escapism
The Degree I’ve Worked All My Life For, Unknowingly
A month or so ago, I discovered that I held a Ph.D. in Escapism.
Having paid extensive amounts of money to universities for education, I was surprised that this came for free.
Growing up as an active kid, I had bucket loads of energy to do whatever came my way.
If you’d seen me then you’d reckon that I had potential, cause I actually invested in whatever I enjoyed doing. And therefore, got good at almost whatever I tried my hand at.
But I never looked at it from the perspective of working hard. On the contrary, it was all about having fun.
With time, through my adolescence, I became aware of the concepts of hard work and also, the pressure associated with succeeding at what you want to pursue.
And with that newfound understanding, I lost my way.
To a point where I stopped going about my interests with the sole intention of enjoying them for what they are. But rather, facing everything that came my way with a certain sense of dread.
This realization left me inclined to escape facing the discomforting pressures associated with any situation whenever they arose.
From my mid-teens and all the way till now, my approach has changed. And now that I look back, I can recall the complacency, arrogance, pride, and the illusion that I was really smart.
And why did I consider that?
Most probably because I had adopted a really horrible way of living.
One which depended solely on finding the path of least resistance. One which led me to foolishly assume that I’ve beaten the game of life, cause whenever it would throw shit at me, I’d dodge.
Slowly, but surely, I mastered the art of dodging.
To the extent where I could dodge nightmares in my sleep. Pro-level things, you know.
And it led me to a place where I avoided anything that brought about the feeling of being uncomfortable. Anything that pushed me out of my comfort zone was out of the question.
I’ve got my fair share of ass whoopings from my parents when I used to do something absolutely horrendous and inconsiderate. Using a rock to scribble fuck on the doors of a random person’s car, for example.
One could say my inner artistic calling just wanted a big canvas to create and that car happened to find me. But that’s just the escapist in me talking.
I used to indulge in a lot of stuff that just wasn’t right and I deserved those ass whoopings.
But instead of getting the truth out, those ass whoopings pushed me to react in a way where I wouldn’t have to face any of it.
And that way,
Was to lie.
I began lying to my parents in order to avoid getting into situations where any sort of confrontation or conflict could arise.
I was living in my own head and that’s not a great place to be in for an extended period of time. So much so, this flawed philosophy spread into every facet of my life.
I was lying to my teachers, friends, teammates, and everyone else. All just to escape from any uncomfortable situation.
Over the years, I’ve realized that I’ve been blessed to have what I have. A loving family and their support along with a few friends who mean the world to me.
That led me to believe that I had it easy.
And along with my, oh so beautiful philosophy, of finding the path of least resistance, I certainly didn’t level up.
I didn’t push myself more than the limits I had imposed on myself.
I didn’t do justice to my nature growing up, the effort my folks put in to give me the best of everything, and the values my parents tried to instill in me.
This escapist attitude became a part of my core and eventually made me soft.
It made me weak.
I didn’t have it in me to face so many situations.
I didn’t know how to react to the stress, how to deal with the anxiety, and how to get out of that depression that had settled in.
Even when it came to doing the things I loved and considered to be my passion, I’d procrastinate my way out of it.
Take setting up my first publication, Everything Around The Sun, for example. It has taken over 15 months to finally act on and implement this glorious idea.
If a variable changed the dynamic and somehow brought about struggle, you could be sure that I would desist.
I would find a way.
Without fail.
I had practiced this skill extensively and had gotten so good at it that it was an involuntary reaction after one point — Messi-Esque stuff.
And this is what pushed me into this void filled with negativity and despise, for myself.
Without a shadow of a doubt, it was all self-inflicted. I had been rendered helpless to what life threw at me because of my own ignorance.
And I suffered for it.
I’ve reached this place of acceptance because I was honest with myself.
If there was even a single percent of doubt that crept into my mind when it came to whether I was true to myself or not, it meant I was not.
That’s it. No deceit. No justifications.
It is what it is.
This is the reality I have manifested through my actions.
This is the bed I’ve made.
And I shall sit in it.
(Which, in reality, hasn’t been nearly as easy as writing the above line.)
I told myself that if I had to learn how to eradicate my tendency to avoid anything that made me uncomfortable, I have to stay and face this.
And I knew that I couldn’t do anything if I try to crack the code in a single day and change overnight.
Once our mind develops patterns that serve the primitive brain and lead to a life of comfort, it feels good, and our mind always prefers anything that feels good.
I didn’t have it in me to do the extra reps while I trained even though I want to become a professional footballer, how was I going to overcome this mountain?
To be frank, I do not know.
There is no guide to figure this out taylormade for how I view the world.
And maybe if there was one, it would have taken away from any experiential knowledge that one can gain.
Maybe this element of constant discovery, being such a prominent part of our lives, is what makes life beautiful.
Maybe in accepting that change is fundamental to discern and experience anything, one may find peace and stop holding onto their past.
Maybe if I accept this, then I can finally get out of my head, and tear up this doctorate, through action.
Until next time…
If you’d be interested in reading more unique, relatable, and thought-provoking content, I’d highly recommend going through our new publication, Everything Around The Sun.
Hope you enjoyed spending your time here and that you took something away as well. Feel free to drop a comment to engage and converse.
